Why don't we talk about shame?

There are a few interwoven reasons we tend not to talk about shame—both personally and culturally:

1. Shame hides itself. Shame’s nature is to make us want to disappear. When we feel it, the instinct is to withdraw, cover it up, or distract ourselves. Talking about it risks exposure—the very thing shame is trying to protect us from.

2. It’s often mistaken for weakness. Many cultures (especially those emphasizing self-sufficiency and performance) equate vulnerability with failure. Because shame is so intertwined with vulnerability, it gets pushed underground.

3. We confuse it with guilt. Guilt says “I did something bad.” Shame says “I am bad.” Since shame feels like an indictment of the self rather than behavior, people avoid naming it—doing so can feel like affirming that there’s something fundamentally wrong with them.

4. It’s relationally risky. Sharing shame requires a safe, attuned listener. Without that safety, attempts to talk about shame can lead to re-shaming, dismissal, or minimization—confirming our worst fears.

5. It’s systemic as well as personal. Social systems—family, religion, education, media—often use shame to enforce belonging or compliance. This normalizes silence around it.

6. Language fails us. Shame is a deeply embodied emotion—felt as heat, collapse, nausea, tightness—so it can be hard to put into words. We might talk about anxiety, self-criticism, or “not being good enough,” but not name the shame beneath.

How we can begin to talk about shame safely

🌱 In Everyday Life: Talking About Shame Safely

1. Choose your audience wisely. Share only with people who’ve earned your trust—those who respond with empathy rather than advice, judgment, or comparison.

2. Use “soft” language. Instead of leading with “I’m ashamed,” you can start with, “I notice I’m feeling really exposed / small / afraid of being seen.” This opens the door without triggering shutdown.

3. Distinguish between shame and guilt. When you can name, “I feel ashamed because I believe I’m not good enough,” it externalizes the emotion. You’re observing it rather than being consumed by it.

4. Bring compassion online. A simple hand on the chest, slow exhale, or compassionate self-talk (“Of course I feel this way”) helps move from collapse into self-connection.

5. Share in past tense when ready. Talking about shame after it’s processed even slightly (“I used to feel so much shame about…”) can be a gentle entry point. It lets you maintain agency while still being authentic.

6. Model vulnerability for others. When one person speaks about shame openly and calmly, it gives others permission to name their own. That’s how cultures of empathy begin.

In Therapy: Creating Space for Shame

1. Name it gently, not diagnostically. Many people have never had someone name shame compassionately. You might say,

   “I notice as you talk about that, there’s a feeling of wanting to shrink or hide. I wonder if shame might be here.”Naming it with curiosity (not certainty) helps normalize it.

2. Regulate first, explore later. Shame is highly activating—it can flood the nervous system. Before exploring its content, a therapist can help the client co-regulate through breath, grounding, or orienting. You might note the body’s impulse to collapse and invite a sense of space or uprightness.

3. Track the body. Shame often shows up as heat in the face, averted eyes, slumped posture. Bringing awareness to these cues, without judgment, helps to see shame as an experience—not as who they are.

4. Normalize it as a universal emotion. When people see that shame is part of being human—not a personal defect—it begins to loosen its grip. Psychoeducation around evolutionary or attachment perspectives (e.g., shame as a mechanism for maintaining belonging) can be powerful.

5. Shift from isolation to connection. Healing shame happens in the presence of empathy. The therapist’s attunement—staying present, grounded, and kind—is corrective. You’re modeling that a person can be seen in their shame and still be loved.

6. Unpack the story beneath the shame. Once safety is established, explore where the shame originated:

   • “Who taught you that?”

   • “When did you first feel that you were too much or not enough?”Linking shame to context helps externalize it—it’s not innate, it was learned.

If you think you are struggling with processing shame or you find yourself doing everything to avoid it (this could look like staying busy all the time, overworking, scrolling social media any chance you get) maybe therapy can help. At Integration Therapy we offer compassionate, relational trauma processing and integration. Reach out today.

woman sitting alone on the street.