Do you get caught up telling stories? How storytelling and projection can hurt us.

Well I'm here to admit my humanity after all, that despite all my formal training and lived experiences that I'm still guilty of letting my big emotions take over.

Here is what happens for me, and let me know if you experience the same. I feel something (i.e. irritation, frustration, rejection etc) and it's BIG. My brain is looking to make meaning from what I'm feeling, to make sense of it, often grasping for something 'out there' to be the cause. So begins the storytelling. "I'm upset because my partner didn't do XYZ', but is it really? Sometimes we have emotions because we are tired, or we were expecting something to go a certain way and it didn't. Maybe this feeling is familiar because it's linked to some core wound we have around 'always being let down'. This is both storytelling and projection. Neither of these are helpful for feeling better or for connecting with your partner.

I used to think that finding meaning of my feelings was the only way to feel better, but sometimes talking actually doesn't help. What does? Feeling! Feeling without needing to fix, feeling without needing a story or reason. When we are overwhelmed or overstimulated that is reason enough, there doesn't have to be some magic 'story' and it doesn't need to be anyone's fault. That is simply us grasping to control something so you don't have to feel uncomfortable. Being human is inherently uncomfortable at times, but the more we are OK with this, the easier it gets.

If we are someone who seeks comfort to help us regulate, as I do, being a sensitive being, but there have been times when I've gone about this the wrong way. This is called projection. I have at times, in a dysregulated stated, projected my feelings onto a partner, making them responsible for why i'm feeling a certain way. There may be times where they have done something to contribute, but most likely unintentionally and not to the level you think.

So what else can you do?

Here is a practice that involves 4 steps.

1. Noticing

2. Interrupting

3. Labeling

4. Deciding to take the next right action (sometimes the right action is nothing!)

It's also helpful to tell your partner that you have a 'story' going on in your head. This will help them to empathize and not get defensive.

Keep interrupting the stories you are telling yourself and others. Take control of your thoughts and actions by pausing in the moment and re-centering then resetting your trajectory.

Hope this helps! You are not alone!